I often say in my workshops that anger is about power. Any of my clients who have been in abusive relationships, on either side, recognise that but it is not just about the abuse of power.
This is a subject that I personally found difficult to engage with when I started this work. It was only after a lot of reflection and work that I realised that I have a fairly ambivalent relationship with power. However, let’s be clear, just because I don’t particularly want power it doesn’t mean I don’t get a buzz out of the power of my anger. The issues with anger and power range in different strands and I’ll cover a few of them here.
Firstly the most obvious, if you can cast your mind back to a time just before you triggered into anger (be that explosively or by imploding) you may recall that just before you went you felt a complete desperation and a feeling of helplessness, hopelessness and powerlessness. Yes, your anger was you way of regaining or retaining what little power you felt you had left. Of course, looking back, you may recognise the irony in that statement. Although when in your anger you may have felt a personal power surge within yourself, in actual fact the moment you took refuge in anger was the moment you gave up your power. Think about it, how much power did you have in remorse? How much power did you have in the grudge you held?
Trying to take power through anger is short sighted and hurts you the most in the long term
What about sharing power? What is you could have a partnership of power in your relationships with healthy boundaries and greater understanding?
This is what healthy, assertive anger is about. Nearly every time I sit down and clear the air with someone on a healthy, sharing, cooperative and honest way I learn something about myself. I nearly always end up clearing up a misunderstanding which means that my anger was misdirected and misunderstood in the first place. And when I do this my language is clear. It is either “I am angry” or “I am feeling angry.” In other words I take ownership of my feelings. I this way, when I find myself getting angry and talking to those I am directing my anger at I find myself actually healing and strengthening relationships rather than tearing them apart.
A huge number of the people I help blame others for their anger. Their words would be “you made me angry!” By taking this stance they have immediately given up their power. Anger is one of our core feelings. It is natural to feel anger and in the right circumstances at the right time anger is right. Of course if I blame you for my anger then I am giving you the power to make me angry. If I do this I also give you the power to make me happy, sad, hurt………does anyone deserve that level of power over me? I think not.
I wish to keep my personal power and share it in a meaningful way with those that I have meaningful relationships with. That’s why I am committed to assertive, healthy anger.
If you want to change your relationship by addressing your issues or are in an angry relationship and want to know what to do call 07850614042 and ask for Julian or 07950344658 and ask for Paula.
From their offices in the East & West Midlands and on line Calm People deliver transformational workshops and work one to one with those that have issues with both sides of aggression and anger and stress. If you want to know more about the anger management, stress management, and emotional resilience courses run in Derby & Birmingham call the above numbers or click here
